I am not who I say that I am! No more shame!
This is a short story, it is a testimonial and it is my confession to you.Some of you might find this shocking.
Wednesday, I had my first appointment with my new counselor. I was sitting in the waiting area with my caregiver, and all I knew was the counselor's first name. Some guy walks in, and reception says Hi, "his name" and I looked at my caregiver and I judged the guy by his looks right off. He, looked dumpy, and I just looked at my caregiver, and said, with the oh, great, that guy is my new counselor? He says, "give him a chance". So, there I was reading a book on grace, and I'm judging this guy right off. I chuckled to myself and said "Whatever" my favorite word for "BLEEP IT!."
It turns out the guy was super cool, but it took a while for me to see that. He asks me "So, why are you here." For those of you who know me for a while just imagine the look on my face "HUH?" I think to myself "Why the "BLEEP" do you think I'm here?" was my first thought. Remember, I went in there with an attitude about the guy looking dumpy, and honestly, I'm thinking "Why am I even here?" I've been working hard to first go to the Lord with everything, even the simple things. So, out of my mouth, I say, "I want a safe place to learn how to allow others to love me on their terms." I sat there for what felt like a full minute, but it was only a couple of seconds, and I'm thinking, "did I just say that?"
So, then we start talking about different kinds of love. I grew up in Brooklyn on the streets, and talking to a man about love was not comfortable at all. I immediately start explaining myself, "I mean love, as in loving your neighbor as yourself!" He says, "Well that's one kind of love." My mind is racing now. He took pity on me and says "That sounds like unconditional love." I thought quick because I wasn't going to accept that. I said, "I have needs, and I guess that it's not about unconditional love because I need my needs met." He nodded in agreement, or, at least, I think that's what he did.
There was a short pause as he looked over some of my paperwork from the intake appointment from the week before. "hmmm." he says, it looks like you had issues with your mother?" Now, I'm feeling better, because I can talk about past abuse, that's my specialty. Then, I think, "go to the Lord." and I say, "I have abandonment issues, that's true, and I have PTSD from my childhood, but I want to focus on the root causes, not the symptoms." I think to myself, "did I just say that?" Did I just burn a bridge so I can't focus on the abuses which I'm most comfortable with? I'm thinking, "what the hell is the matter with me?" This isn't like me at all!
Then, he says, "it looks like you have a drug history too? When was the last time you used Heroin?" he asks. I lied, "oh, that was over 20 years ago." The truth is the last time I did Heroin was about 3 years ago when I didn't have pain medication. He then says, "I see that you were on some heavy duty pain medications for a time?" "Yeah, I was on 60MG Morphine, and 50MG of Oxycodone a day for about 2 years," He says, "You're not on them anymore I see, what happened?" I'm feeling really guilty at this point because I lied about my past drug abuses. "go to the Lord I say to myself." I said "well they thought I was abusing the medications, but really I wasn't... "go to the Lord" I hear that voice in my head...
Okay, well I kind of snorted them once and a while and I shot them up them a few times." "You kind of snorted, and shot them up? How do you "kinda do that?" he asks. I just started laughing because I ratted myself out, and I was pissed off at myself for saying it. I thought, "shit! now I'm never going to be able to get pain medication if I need them." That voice in my head, "go to the Lord." keeps talking. You know that inner voice you hear when your conscience is screaming at you? Accept, this is a real voice. I didn't hear it with my ears, it was that inner voice that kept guiding me when I waited, a few seconds before I answered. If I didn't wait and seek Him, I found that I would justify, rationalize and even lie. I needed to wait just a few seconds before I answer I thought. I mean I'm here because I want to be here, not because anyone is making me. I want this to count.
I'm just sitting there stunned that I've confessed this to him. This dumpy looking guy who looks like he got his lunch money from panhandling! Now, I'm starting to feel defensive, but "go to the Lord" that voice keeps talking to me. At first, I chose to seek the Lord, but now, it's like I'm possessed. Why am I telling this guy all this stuff?" I've been to lot's of counseling before. I know the game, and I know how to manipulate them. I just keep ratting myself out, and I know what he's going to say next. I can read these counselors like the back of my hand.
"So, hmmm" he pauses. " I see that you've attempted suicide before?" The room became silent. I knew this was coming, I thought to myself. I'm real defensive about this because my mother was always trying to kill herself, and any mention of depression or the possibility of mental illness sets me off in fits of rage and fear. I immediately start explaining "look, I don't suffer from depression, I keep telling the doctors, but they don't hear me. My PTSD causes my depression, but when I'm not having a PTSD episode I'm not depressed." He then says "Yeah, they misdiagnose people with PTSD with having all sorts of mental health problems all the time.
The PTSD can look like depression, anxiety and even schizophrenia disorders." I thought wow! This guy agrees with me. I've been fighting with my doctors for years over this. Then, there was that pause again, "okay, so, the suicide attempts, tell me about them a little." I just lowered my head a second, and that voice "go to the Lord." was talking again. My eyes started to well up just a little. It's funny how the things that we do in an attempt to be free of the pain keeps causing feelings of shame, remorse, guilt and self-pity. It's a vicious circle. I was ready for this, because, on December, 26th, I woke up with all that shame, guilt, remorse and self-pity had gone, but I'll get to that soon. "what do you want to know" I asked, because I've tried to kill myself so many times I needed him to be specific. "tell me about the most recent suicide attempt?" I snickered because I thought my recent attempt lasted for 6 years. When I was told that I was dying from Hepatitis C, and Cirrhosis of the liver, they told me I'd be dead within 3 to 5 years. I decided to drink myself to death because I didn't want to die that way, not to mention I was a drunk and that gave me permission to drink the way I wanted too.
Then a couple of angels on Facebook kept telling me about a cure for Hepatitis C. At first, I resisted talking to them about it. I had a plan, and getting cured of the Hepatitis C at that point wasn't part of that plan. At first, I went along with it for them, I mean they cared about me, and I figured I'd go through the motions because I never thought I would get approved for the treatment which was over $90,000. Damn, that's a house! Suprise! I was approved and I had real mixed feelings about it. I wanted to die, but I couldn't tell anyone because they would commit me to a psych ward. It was my little dirty secret. I was so tired of living in pain and full of shame, remorse, guilt and self-pity. I couldn't stop drinking. I kept trying my best. I'd stop for a couple of days, but then I'd end up drunk for a week, and sometimes for weeks. I felt like I was a complete failure!
I couldn't kill myself, I couldn't stop drinking, and I lost everything and everyone that I ever loved. I was so lost and full of shame, and self-pity for so long. I kept falling and hurting myself. I even broke my ankle, and I would explain to my doctors it's not the drinking, and it wasn't. I have vertigo it turns out. So, yet another medication for another medical issue. At one time I was on over 20 medications. I hated it because some of them had horrible side effects, and some medications I didn't even need. I took them because I wanted the pain medications, so I went along with the doctors. When my primary doctor stopped prescribing the pain meds I stopped taking all of my medications.
I was referred to the pain clinic, who prescribed my pain medications, so I didn't have to go along with my doctor anymore ."Well, my last suicide attempt was about 5 months ago. I took fifty 10MG oxycodone's plus whatever morphine pills I had left." That was 500 MG of oxycodone, and I woke up the next morning. I was sick as a dog for 3 days, but I didn't die." All I could think about at that time was what a failure I am. I just went about my business like I didn't do anything. My counselor just made a quick note and nodded his head. I didn't feel that he was being indifferent, I mean what do you say to something like that?
That voice was back, "go to the Lord." At that point, I couldn't shut up. I went on, perhaps I was rambling, but I could finally tell someone about my dark secret. In between all of this, I had my "I want to die", please lock me up for the night ER visits drunk out of my skull. They did lock me up, and one time I had to agree to go to outpatient counseling for 90 days to get out of the psych ward. I was a mess. I had hidden my cell phone so I could check in on Facebook, and I acted like everything was just fine. The truth is that I wanted to die, I just couldn't get out of that cycle of thinking. One thing that I'd like to point out is that each and every time I attempted suicide, at least, one of two things were taking place. I was either drunk or in a PTSD episode or both.
Truthfully, once I told my counselor that I took those pills I don't remember what else I said. Or, maybe I should say I don't remember what else came out of my mouth. I never told anyone about the attempted overdose, because I was afraid if I did I wouldn't get my pain medications anymore. I have scars, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I have scars on my arms from cutting my wrists, on my neck from cutting my neck, on my leg from trying to cut an artery there. I am forever scared is what I thought. Every time I would see my scars I would sink into an abyss of shame.I can tell you about some horrible things that happened to me to justify why I did what I did, or why I was the way I was. The truth is I can't change what I did, or the way I was. All I can say is that on Christmas night of 2015, I was drunk, and my PTSD was raging. I had one of my many ER please lock me up nights. I ended up walking out like I often did, and I came home. I was in such deep despair. I don't know what I prayed, but knowing myself and the condition that I was in it might have gone, like this, "God please kill me. Take me home! I can't do this anymore!." The next thing I know is that I'm opening my eyes the next morning.
You know, just waiting a minute to see how hung over I am. I wasn't hung over at all. A matter of fact something was different. Something was very different. I felt great... I mean, I felt like a brand new person. It was December, 26th 2015, and I had no urge, desire or compulsion to drink. I know what you're thinking, the same thing I would If I was reading this. I would be thinking okay, you're just going through a self-aware thing, keep up the good work. But here is the thing, I haven't had a drink in over 30 days, it's been years since I've gone this long without a drink, and I haven't had a cigarette for over 30 days now.
It's been 16 years since I haven't smoked for this long .I'm not even trying to do this. My mind, body and spirit have been renewed. I'm not in pain anymore, other than a little back pain I feel healthier than I ever have. Everyone keeps telling me "good job", but really, it ain't nothing because I'm not even doing the work. Yeah, I chose to go to counseling, not because I feel the need for it. I thought at first that I should go to rehab, and I had to get an evaluation for my health insurance to pay for it. That's how I ended up in counseling. Now I don't need rehab, so I was led by the Spirit to continue counseling. No human power could have done this. No amount of will-power could sustain this. Since December, 26th 2015 I have known real peace, joy, and contentment. I don't feel shame anymore, or self-pity. I'm completely free. No more fear, or dread of going to sleep because of the nightmares.
I'M FREE! That's what I've been trying to tell everyone. The Lord has His arm around my shoulder as he guides me to do his will. I don't know what my purpose is yet, but I do know I will know when He wants me to know. What I do know is that my heart is full of love, even if I have a hard time expressing it. Sometimes, when I talk to God, I ask, "what is it that you want me to do Lord? After everything that I've done in my life, the people that I've hurt, trying to kill myself how could you love me?" He says, "John, I love you so much, I love you more than the stars, more than all my creations, I've loved you before the world was created." Then He fills me with His grace, that's His love, and it's better than any drink or drug that I've ever done. I can't even begin to describe it. I've felt so dirty, but yet he was there with his arms around me, and it's like he just smiles, and "he said look, I got my overalls on, I'm ready to get dirty, and when we're done you're going to be as white as snow!"
I always thought that when I sinned and made mistakes God was why over there across some great abyss, and I would yell, GOD HERE I AM! like He didn't want to be near me because I was filthy, but that's not the way God is. He said He will never leave or forsake me. He never said He will never leave as long as I don't sin, or make mistakes. He never put a condition on his love for me. Freedom is knowing that Jesus loves me as I am, He loves me even in my sin. He loved me at my worst when I chose to follow Him, and He loves me still even though I've done so much harm to myself and others.
With all this said, for the first time in my life I know what love is. Thank you, Lord Jesus! So, you see my friends there is nothing that you can say or do that will shock me, or cause me to judge you.
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